I close at the end

To start off, hope you Harry Potter fans out there enjoyed my little nod there in the title. For some reason the title of my blog posts were always very important to me. Like the title to a book. It has to be simple, but say a lot with it's simplicity. And I feel like my chosen title fits perfectly well with how I feel now, as I have reached the end of my Germany journey. 

Similar to Harry Potter (warning now Emily if you ever read this-spoiler ahead), not understanding the importance of the golden snitch Dumbledore gave him until literally one of the last scenes in the series, I could never have anticipated how important this study abroad would be to me. Not until now. Not until I have had some time to sit upon that journey. Looking back, it was so amazing, and outside my normal life, I can hardly believe it was real. Almost like I am looking back onto someone else's memories. I almost have to look back on my photos as if to prove to myself "No, that was you, you did that". 

When I originally left Germany, and began the long journey home, I actually mostly felt relief. Which can come off sounding a little odd. Who on Earth would be relieved to be leaving Europe to return to dusty, hot Texas? To be frank, six weeks was a very long time to be away from home. I do not do well in the unknown for long. And as beautiful and incredible as Germany was, I needed to return to the known world. So I returned home. Gave out my souvenirs. Regretted for days all the things I didn't buy. Wished I had brought more chocolate. Shared my pictures and videos with family. And shockingly, I actually managed to get on with my life. Almost as if it never happened. I believe it is the same phenomenon that students face when they return to school. You feel as if you never left, and that summer break went by too fast, and you aren't rested up for the year whatsoever. You feel unchanged. And that is honestly how I felt at first. As if Germany had never happened. I was soon back to household chores, having to drive to HEB for groceries, gassing up my car, cooking my own meals, bathing the dogs etc etc. A part of me was actually disappointed how unchanged I felt. As if I was expecting some giant transformation in personality. I felt like I had left the confident, adventurous, and independent Amanda back in Germany. I worried I had missed that crucial change that comes with a study abroad.

So for a time, I just reflected. The time spent there was so jammed with activity, and went by so quickly, it wasn't until I returned home that I actually had time to process what had happened. I could probably right a book about all the little things I think about it. About Germany. To save time, I will just make a very long and hashed together list. Here are my thoughts: the sheer greenery of Germany, the beautiful architecture, the cobblestone streets, my sweet host mom who would always cut me watermelon for dessert because she knew it was my favorite, the way my host cat would stretch out when I pet her, the stuffy trains that became second nature to me, the chocolate filled croissants at the train station, the cheap sandwich shop by the AIB, my favorite gelato place where I would get strawberry, how hot our classroom would get but I didn't care because I loved everyone that was there, how amazing hiking was, the castles, the smell of cigarettes everywhere, the feel of the sea wind cutting against my face on my bike in Nordeney, the mint tea and waffles in Amsterdam, the museums and tea shops in Vienna, cramming into beds on our weekend trips, the fight for seats on long train rides, the cathedral in Koln, the....I could just go on and on. Yes there were some things that were hard to adjust to. The language, the lack of AC, taking the train everywhere, being away from my family etc....but looking back I am so proud of myself for how quickly I adapted to that. I basically lived in Germany. I learned which train to take every day, I learned which back up train to take every day, I knew which pastries I preferred and where it was best to get them, I knew where to eat around the AIB for lunch, I knew where the gelato stands were, I knew where to go get a few groceries, I knew where to go buy clothing, I knew how to do my laundry and hang it up to dry, I knew how to book train tickets for the weekend, I knew how to say excuse me on the train and order coffee, I knew how to get to the bus station in Bonn, I knew how to get train passes in a new city, I knew all of that. And that seems so simple. Which is why I honestly didn't even think much of it. Of course I knew all of that. I had to. It became my normal life. I think that's why I missed just how special that was.

As I had stated in probably my very first blog post ever, one of the main reasons I wanted to do this study abroad was to try and gain independence and confidence. I am a very anxious and self-doubting person by nature, and I really did live in a bubble. Unwilling to try new things really because, what if it ended badly? When I first came to Germany, I was still hesitant. But even though I didn't go out as often as some people did, or go on as many long weekends trips, I did significantly more than I could have ever done before. This didn't immediately translate into my life back in San Antonio, which I see now should have been expected. I returned to exactly the life I had before. It was hard to break that set mold. I think what really triggered me actually feeling...a difference I suppose, was coming back to College Station. Even though this is my third year back, almost everything is new for me this year. I am living in a new house, with a new roommate, I was on the other side of sorority rush this year, I was in a different part of town, I have new classes, a new job, and new goals. And when everything is new, you have to approach life differently. This is when my experience from Germany really kicked in. 

I got a truly priceless amount of amazing experiences in Germany. I saw places I had only read about in textbooks. Ate food you couldn't get the same quality of in America. I had so many unique experiences that I would never of even thought to do in Germany, like the mud spa. I met people I would have never crossed paths with. I would chose to do this study abroad again, and again, because it has been one of the most significant times of my life. Everyone always talks about how much they love their study abroad. I see why now. It is a part of my identity now. But the best gift this study abroad gave me, is the ability to see that new things are not always scary. My best example was Amsterdam. It was my first excursion outside of Germany, and that terrified me enough. Add to that some of Amsterdam's more well known.."culture", and I honestly believed I wouldn't enjoy anything about it. I was so wrong, and I am so glad that I was. I could gush for hours about Amsterdam. It was one of my favorite places we went to. And I feel like the old Amanda would never have been brave enough to go. My fellow classmates were really what helped encouraged me to branch out a little, their support and trust is what made me feel comfortable with leaving. It's such an easy thing for others. And I was always very self-conscious about it. I was so unlike other college students. I felt excluded, and weak, and just wrong. 

I feel like this study abroad kind of forced me to be comfortable in my own skin. To realize it's okay to have limits. But it's also okay to go beyond those limits. It's a small thing for most people. I know. Trying new restaurants, hanging out with new people, agreeing to go out on a night you normally wouldn't. But that is huge for me. I can see now that I shouldn't have been looking for a complete transformation. Because the best kinds of changes are the ones you don't even notice. They're so natural. I am still very unlike the normal person my age, I still don't like going to bars and parties, and I still like to be home before dark. And I am 100% okay with that. But I am more open minded, more confident, more assured of myself and now get to say that I studied abroad in Germany. I literally would have NEVER thought I would do a study abroad. The idea was always too terrifying, too unpredictable, and just definitely not...me. If I can do that...who knows what else I can do. 

Below are some pictures from my time spent after Germany