So many thoughts to muddle through

I apologize for my entry being late. I was actually afraid to write this final blog entry. Germany was a very personal experience for me which I have found no one really understands. The one person who has a clue is my mother. People, such as my boyfriend, who have never been out of the country have no idea what I am trying to say. Although he tries to understand and listens to my stories he does not understand where I am coming from. Even the people on the trip saw everything differently than I did. I believe the person who understood me the best on the trip was Rebecca because she was also raised outside of the United States. It was great spending the last weekend with her alone in Berlin and being able to see just how much we had in common and how different our thinking was from the rest of the group who were all raised Americans. I am excited that everyone learned so much and grew. I am so glad I went on the trip and I constantly tell people in my BIMS classes that they should go on next years trip. I have already had some people sound interested.

I guess you are wondering what I am talking about when I say my experience was different. I was raised in South Africa as most people know, and I have travelled to Europe with my family multiple times, including Germany. It was actually great seeing things like the Dom in Koeln again and comparing it to what I remember from my previous trip. It turns out my memory is pretty bad. Anyway, that meant that while many people on the trip were just excited to leave the U.S. and feel more independent, I just did not feel that. Although it was my first international trip without my family, and that was a little nerve wrecking at first, knowing the language and having travelled internationally before really made the transition pretty easy for me. I am so impressed at the fact that everyone else handled the trip so well considering they did not speak the language and had not been travelling internationally since they were four.

Since the transition was not so extreme for me, I believe I was open to other lessons. The event that affected me the most was the House of History museum. It is a museum about the history of Germany after WWII. It included the division of Germany and elections and such things. This does not sound very interesting and considering the information was in German, the group was obviously not greatly affected by it. I, however, had to hold back the tears. I realized after a lot of thought that the museum is designed very similarly to the Apartheid museum in South Africa which I visited as part of a mission team to South Africa the previous summer. There were black and white movies, and other structural designs that were the same. Since it covered the same time period from 1940's to 1990's the two museums were eerily similar. While walking through the House of History museum I realized that the evil that people do to each other is not limited by location. I remembered the torture chamber at the Marksburg Castle and realized that pain is also not limited by time. Our history is full of hatred, man against man, war, pain, evil. I just wanted to die and leave this horrible world behind. It reminded me of Paul in the Bible where he says he wishes he would die and be with the Lord, but he accepts his responsibility to remain on earth and spread the good news. I suddenly realized the evil of man. It was completely overwhelming. I just hated being human. It took a really long time to come to terms with these feelings and to finally talk about them. Talking infront of Dr. Wasser's class was actually the first time I had come close to talking out loud about my experience. I almost cried right there and then. Thankfully I was able to talk to my mother that night about it. She was also in South Africa at the Apartheid museum and she understands the idea of people not knowing how you feel. My mother, sister and I were the only non-Americans on the mission trip to South Africa the summer before, and so working in a township, in a place I was not allowed to go as a white girl during Apartheid, was a totally different experience for us. The other team members just came and got to know those people and did not truly understand the political complexities of a segregated nation just ten years before. Seeing how my mother feels about South Africa and its history and noting my own feelings, even though I was only 9 years old when Apartheid officially ended, I understand the feelings of the German people, although only slightly. There is still a stigma with being a white person from South Africa and my sister and I have often been accused of being racist. What did I ever do? I have friends of many different nationalities and I have a hard time when Americans call me racist when Americans require race on every government form.

Realizing the amount of evil in human history and just how selfish, mean and hurtful we really are has finally made me realize the greatness of the gift from God of unconditional love. His gift of Jesus is so much bigger than the evil we can commit and it is something I just cannot understand anymore. Realizing the size of our evil magnifies the size of His grace. If we were lovable creatures, then it makes His gift merely something we deserve. However, realizing just how horrible we are completely changed my understanding of God's grace and love for me and everyone around me.

At Dachau there were three chaples that people could visit after seeing the concentration camp. I am glad they had those there. Dr. Wasser told us about how at the doctors trials in Nuermberg the doctors argued that it was not written anywhere that they could not do what they did. There were not official rules making what they did illegal. I thought about that long and hard and walking around Dachau I kept thinking about the verses about do unto others as you would have them do unto you (yes, this is actually a verse in the Bible) and love your neighbor as yourself. I believe that that is how we can know right from wrong. If the Nazi's were willing to change places with their prisoners then they were treating them with love. I believe that is how we all know that what they did was wrong. There may not have been written rules but there is definately a distinction between treating people correctly and incorrectly and I believe the test of switching places is the way to see if you have crossed that line.

Did I realize some terrible things on this trip? Yes, but do I regret it, absolutely not. The trip was wonderful, I saw many beautiful things, had amazing trips, have wonderful memories. I am so glad it worked out. I know this entry was about the bad, but it just exemplifies the good in this world. I know people do not really understand the experiences I had in Germany, but I am glad I had them, and I hope everyone else can some day realize the things I have realized. It is a very powerful thing that changes how I see the world around me. Thank you Dr. Wasser for doing this trip.